iii
When you’re smart, it’s easy to get by. You just have to manage your expectations. A low-wage job, a cheap apartment, cheap clothes – you remind yourself that you don’t really need that ‘20% more’ that everyone seems to want. So, I did that for awhile – paid off the college loan, even. But I felt old. I felt done, empty. All of my ambitions were sapped away by too many memories. I remembered being ready for death before, and that’s how I felt now. Death became a bit of an obsession for me.
But what’s the point of dying if you’re doomed to come right back? Why speed the inevitable rebirth into dissatisfaction? No, what I needed was a way to get out altogether. And I don’t mean escaping into enlightened bliss. I wasn’t into the Buddhist thing. I guess some group of scientists somewhere is probably working on a study of Buddhists to see if they manage to evade reincarnation. But all of that self-denial and meditation requires a lot of work and dedication, and I just didn’t have the energy. No, by that point I was looking for those shortcuts – the ways around the system. There’s nothing beside the system, but nothing sounded just fine to me.